Well Hello!!!

Isn't it amazing what Abilify can do? Just a slight adjustment to the meds and bam! Depression is gone. Sorta. I'm feeling the Abilify love - that's all I can say.

nightcoons

she'd been good for weeks, months. no going out, no .....

and yet, there she sat silently smoking her one cigarette of the night. 11 pm. and a little weed.
pondering the universe, pondering the house and the loud aspects it carried until lights out. cat most vocal, rosie hears butterfly wings. daisy her own siren.

and then she heard it. a small noise yet undeniably close. she remembered the raccoon nest under the house by the kitchen window. right next to the porch. where she was sitting silently smoking her cigarette. and a little weed.

mind races.. calms self. smoke smoke smoke.

Time to get up and go inside. Creaky knees , struggling to stand with this frame that needs some serious oil. or youth. and Then . the hissing. The scrilling warble... and a growl. The raccoon was upon her before she could move...

The Head and The Heart

This week is brought to you by Head Staples. Yep. After venturing out past midnight to walk the dog the other night, as I was walking back up our dimly lit, precariously placed front stairs I lost my balance and fell sideways into the rockery, smashing my head on a large and viciously sharp rock. The amount of blood gushing was unbelievable. After waking the ex and asking "does this look bad?" we decided perhaps a trip to the ER was in order. Thank god for Swedish Medical Center. The best ER I have ever been to. And we've been there a few times over the years. As soon as we walked in the door I was put in a wheelchair and whisked away to an examining room. No gory details but I'll say a lot of shots were injected into the old cranium, a lot of crying and wailing was done by me, and 15 staples closed up the gash. What fun.

The rest of the week has been a nonstop headache, body ache and general need for sleep 24 hours a day. I went to work today for 5 hours but that was about all I could take. It wasn't pretty. I was cornered by a crazy German lady at the computer who couldn't figure out the difference between Comcast, Yahoo and facebook, but was convinced that they were all acting in concert to ruin her life and steal her patents. I actually yelled at her at one point because she was not making sense. At all. Another staff member was trying to encourage her to take the upcoming Internet Basics class at the library down the street. Uh, no please. I am teaching that class! No. I informed the lady that she needed a private tutor. A basic internet class was not going to explain all of her questions. It was pathetic. I was finally dragged away by the assistant manager and told to go home. Other patrons were looking at me asking me just how sick was I today???

Tonight I will put the girl on a nonstop flight to Charlotte NC. On the red eye, no less. Leaving here at 10 pm and arriving there at 6 am. This is the girl who is so full of venom and defiance on most days, but who is now clinging to me begging me not to make her go on this trip alone. She'll be with my sisters, my nieces and my mom. She will be well cared for by really good people. But she doesn't really know any of them except for my mom. It's been years since she's seen them. My warrior girl is now begging "mommy" to please go with her. It kinda breaks my heart. I cry just thinking about putting her on that plane. But I know she will be fine. It will be awkward for her. It will be painful at times for her shy self. But above all I hope it will be a good experience for her. That she will discover some inner strength and learn to be with people who really do love her even if she doesn't believe these mere "strangers" could love her at all. And that she will feel good about doing this trip for my mom's sake. Mom is almost 89 and this could possibly be the last time E. gets to spend quality time with her. Still, I know I will cry when she walks down the ramp to the plane. It's her first solo flight. It feels like the first day of kindergarten times a gazillion. I hope we will all learn how much we appreciate each other by the time she gets back.

Now go baby bird.... fly! And then fly back to me! I'll be here waiting. Always.

Me

Drama High

I've been embroiled in a little drama of my own making on the homefront. No gory details but I must say the 17 year old girl in me has been making a mess of things. Can I blame it on what I'm reading? Can I blame it on E. Lockhart? No. When I read Rats Saw God I began to believe that I was the main character, Steve York. A 17 year old boy. I even e-mailed the author, the supremely cute Rob Thomas (no, not the one in the band), and told him about it. "Middle Aged Librarian Assumes Identity of Steve York"... Rob wrote back that he was pleased. We had a little e-mail back and forth for a few years. Then he went to Hollywood and became a bigtime screenwriter and his Teen fiction career was over.

But I carry on my malady of becoming the characters I read about. Especially disconcerting when I read teen fiction. Maybe that's why I don't read it that much. It's really only the good books that affect me that way. John Cheever's Letters? I was Cheever for weeks. Maybe I should read something with a highly successful and happy protaganist. Hmmmmmm. But The Librarian of Teens recommended Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea. So now what? I'm going to start behaving like a North Korean living in an Orwellian world? Oh jeez.

The drama my 17 year old teen self concocted entails electronic communications. I have been seriously acting like a maniac in e-mails, texts, and facebook messaging. I think I've hurt people's feelings. I think I have used my qwerty keyboard for the bad. I'm considering just throwing it all out. Computers, phones, microwave ovens. I can't handle it. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. But then I turn to blogging because there is just so much in my empty head that I have to get out there!!! And since I only have one reader, I can blog till my fingers are blistered and nobody will be hurt or insulted or called a fucked up hipster. Unless I run across a true fucked up hipster that I need to blog about...

Will try to keep it happy, chirpy and positive, which was my original goal here. So here's a happy thing that happened today. When I arrived at work I was actually GLAD TO BE HERE. I felt like I was coming home. It was an amusing way to start the work day since I usually dread the thought of dealing with the public. I think it's a relief to deal with someone else's problems for a while. Thank you library.

Library Happyness

Today is a good library day. First, the Mayor and City Council have proclaimed today Public Employee Recognition Day in response to the Wisconson union busting that's happening, and to acknowledge what all of us slaves to the public do for our people and communities. It might be just a piece of paper but I like it! I was also visited by my regular patron, an Iraq Occupation (I still refuse to call it a WAR) veteran with some PTSD issues, who proudly told me he had wrestled a gun away from a guy on the bus yesterday and to watch for him on the news tonight! Yay! My very own little vigilante. I have befriended him. We're on a first name basis. I want him on my side. Especially if I ever ride the bus. And lastly, I get to go to Reader's Advisory Training with Nancy Pearl this afternoon. One library training session that is gauranteed to be very entertaining and worthwhile. This is all so nerdy.

What about the drama???? Where is it??? It's coming up soon as the deadline for moving my domicile approaches. I feel like I'm going to be a cloistered nun. And that will be good for me in so many ways. On the other hand, I'm sure the drama will try to take me down. Living with an ex-husband and a sullen teen daughter is probably right up there on that list of major life stressors. There will be blogging.

Tomorrow is the long awaited haircut. I have been threatening to go for the Ramona Flowers do, but something is telling me I might want to reconsider. Maybe just not the pink or blue or green part.

Keepin it PC

Despite my earlier posts which were heading into the murky depths of my twisted mind, I remain resolute in my mission to remain happy and chirpy. Not dark and sex crazed. I went swimming over the weekend and had an excellent workout. Read into that whatever you like.

Reading E. Lockhart's latest and I must say I am enjoying it. Because I am nothing if not totally emotionally stunted. I have the mind of a 17 year old girl. And the body of someone in desperate need of probiotics.

NOT

Ok. So I'm not Mrs. Robinson after all it seems. I've decided against swimming in the kiddy pool. Or the kiddy pool lifeguard told me to get out and go back to the grownups' pool. I can barely swim so I spend minimal time in any pool. I have, however, decided to proceed with a radical haircut and color and change my wardrobe to go with it. All coinciding with what I am currently calling my "upcoming imprisonment" i.e. the move to the ex's basement. The next months will be an exercise in thinking positively. Keeping my eyes on the prize. Lots of reading and going to the gym.

I've read two books in the past few weeks. First, "Michael Tolliver Lives", by Armistad Maupin. A latter day Tales of the City follow up but stands alone well on its own. I identified strongly with Mr. Tolliver as he adjusts to life at middle age. Except, unlike me, he did get the prize from the kiddy pool. Just finished "Blame" by Michelle Huneven. Katie Crouch (a Southern writer who I enjoy) posted positively about this on her facebook page; it was sitting on the shelf at my branch so I picked it up. Alcoholic young woman runs over two Jehovah's Witnesses and goes to prison. Gets out and rebuilds her life. It was pretty good. That's about all I have to say about that. Now looking for the next good read. And waiting out this bug that has me down so I can get my ass back to the gym!

Mrs. Robinson

I recently met a very nice young man at a local restaurant/bar. Of course he was young enough to be my son and the conversation we struck up was mainly focused on my teenage daughter and the issues we are having these days. I was information seeking.... looking for insight from a younger person who appeared pretty hip with all his piercings and tats. Indeed he was cute as hell and, like I said, young enough to be my son. And not by Ozark standards. We friended each other on facebook, ran into each other again. And then it came. The "sexy librarian" message. As in "is the sexy librarian at home alone tonight?" Wow. W.O.W. I can honestly say I never saw that one coming. Not only am I totally NOT sexy, I am out of shape and (did I mention) old enough to be his legit mom? And did I mention that he is insanely attractive (as in HOT)? He came over and we chatted a while and then he finally just laid it out there. What he wants to do with me. And it is NOT to start a book club. Very little shocks me after all these years but I must say I was at a loss for words. Other than, "well that's really flattering but I'm not sure I'm ready for that"..... I mean my self image is at an all time low. I told him maybe after I went to the gym for a few months we could think it over. Of course he replied he'd give me a better workout than the gym.... gahhhh. Uh. Wha??? Now I'm thinking about it. Like thinking about it a lot. This blog was not supposed to go down to the depths of depravity that my other blog did but this is such an amazing situation for me I'm blogging it. I told him I had to blog about it. No names. All private. But DAYUM!!!! I feel crazed!!! It's a good feeling! I'm going for it..... No going gentle into that good night crap for me!!!!

The House That Built Me

I watched the Grammys last night and was oddly transfixed on Miranda Lambert singing her country song "The House That Built Me" - all about returning to her childhood home and asking to be let in by the new owners...the memories, etc. I'm not a big fan of the "new country" style of music but this song was speaking to ME! I had always wanted to go back to the house where I spent the "good" part of my childhood in South Carolina - to go through it to see how it looked and felt. I fantasized about it, had dreams about it throughout my entire life since age 10, which was when we moved from the "good" house to the "not so good house".

I moved away from my hometown after college, first to different parts of the state and then to the west coast. But every time I visited my parents I would inevitably end up driving by the house on Wittering Drive. Several times, usually. I wanted to buy that freaking house and make it mine I loved it so much. Alas, it changed owners several times over the years and I heard that at one point it was owned by a fellow who grew up just down the street, who I had known as a child. Still the drive bys continued into my 50's. I never stopped or made contact with the owners.

Then a few summers ago I was home visiting my mom and decided to go for a nice long walk to relieve the stress that comes with visiting my mom. I walked clear over to the old neighborhood and to the house. There were two little girls playing in the yard. I popped out my earbuds, shut down my music and approached them to ask if their parents were home. They were beautiful little girls and didn't seem at all phased by the strange lady who just walked into their yard. The South is like that sometimes. Gentle and sweet and open. They probably just assumed I was a neighbor walking down the street.

I approached the door of the house and a nice looking woman came out to greet me. I explained who I was and that I had grown up in the house. As I was explaining, out popped her husband, my old friend Bill Bunch. Bill, my childhood crush, was now the owner of my dream home. He recognized me immediately! He was so glad to see me! It was like we were still friends, after 40 years of not seeing each other. They invited me in and let me look around the house. It was totally different. Totally remodeled. Nothing looked very familiar except for the screened back porch. Still, just standing in the house and talking to an old friend and his wife gave me such a warm feeling of being "home". I was so happy I had made the decision to finally do what I had wanted to do for so long.

As I walked home in the lush afternoon heat I was happy. That's how the South is sometimes. Gentle and sweet and open.

The Plan

of the week is that I will move into the basement of my former home. The home currently inhabited by my soon to be officially legal ex-husband. We can chalk this up to the economy. It feels a bit like I'm going to a bunker to wait for the end of the world. But to put a positive spin on it, while I will be living in less than ideal surroundings, I can save money toward deposits on a new and better place. And help with keeping the house out of foreclosure. I'll also have more control over the daughter who is so scattered right now I'm afraid she is going to blow away in the wind. So that's the plan. End of March. In the meantime I'll be working on renovations in the basement. First up? A better handrail. One designed to assist an elderly lady with bad knees in maneuvering those steep stairs. Those are the same stairs I fell down a few years back when I almost literally broke my neck. Scary! Maybe a system of ropes and pulleys?

Gag

There are some things that people should never see. I see many of these things in the library. I do not get paid enough for the brain scarring that I get from the things I see. Today. A scruffy middle aged dude walks quickly past the reference desk moaning and gagging. He pulls something out of his mouth, moans and gags some more, and then puts the thing back into his mouth. I don't know what it was and I don't want to know. It was brown.

Now I am going to goudge my eyes out and disinfect my entire existence.

Bilbys in a Hat

But I'm a Librarian!!!!!

Recently I met a fellow at a local bistro while treating myself to a yummy dinner. We exchanged info and friended on Facebook. Made a few attempts to get together but it didn't work out. Until the other night when he asked if I wanted to go to the bistro again on Friday. I was all stoked for good food, a nice guy, a chance to have a normal (what I thought was a) "date".

So it seemed we had a pretty nice time. When the bill came I thought I should chip in... was it a date or not? And if it was a date should I expect him to foot the bill? No. In fact he seemed pretty intent on figuring out how to split the tab. Being in the last stretch of my available cash till payday, I paid for my share of food and wine, which was about 40 bucks roughly. The total tab with tip came to $120. Not exactly sure how or why it was so much. I think he was drinking the good stuff and I was just drinking the house chard.

Whatever. I should have just split it with him and left it at that. At parting, I gave him a hug and told him next time I'd repay him. Seemed relatively okay with me.

As a follow up the next day I sent a friendly message on facebook with a little joke about how I semi-stiffied him. Yes I said STIFFIED. A little sexual innuendo. Funny? Apparently not. He replied that yes, he did feel stiffed and shouldn't have been left with 75% of the bill and remind him next time to go dutch. OUCH.

I don't think there will be a next time. I'm all for equality and equity and blah blah blah. Just because I'm a part time librarian and he is a full time worker in a well paid position doesn't mean I should assume he would take the brunt of the bill. But was his response to my message warranted? Couldn't he just have said "Yep, next time you pick up the tip"....... or something a little less irritating? I guess the dude don't do fat chicks after all. Not even if I am a LIBRARIAN!!!! I thought my near sainthood status was good for a few drinks at least! Wrong again crazy library lady. Wrong again......

Music. Live. And I'm a LIBRARIAN!!!!!

I'm really not all that into going to shows, especially large venue shows. I have a little anxiety about being in crowds. I can count the live music I've seen in the last decade on one or two hands. Of course, I've been to many of the ex's Red Dress shows but I don't count those really as it was rather expected of me to go. But the rest? I figure they had to be pretty dang special to get me out of my cave and into a venue to watch.

1. Haley Bonar. Saw her twice at the Tractor. She is golden. An Angel. Find her and listen to her. "Little Maiden Gin".... it will make you cry it is so lovely and sad! Can't find a good link to that song to post here but take my word for it. All her stuff is great. And I bought the t-shirt. And chatted with her so she remembered me as "the crazy librarian from Seattle" on her second tour. I usually bill myself this way because we all know librarians are like nuns, or buddhas or something.

2. Shearwater. At Neumos. During a horrible breakup with a horrible guy. After falling down basement stairs in my sleep (thinking I was going into the bathroom- NOT). My friend Rachel subbed in for the horrible boyfriend who was supposed to go with me. I literally almost broke my neck on the stairs but was determined to see this band. Bought the t-shirt, chatted up the lead singer. This venue was too large and loud for such an ethereal band. I found myself shushing the crowd and trying to muscle my way to the front using the excuse that I was a librarian with a broken neck. Crowd pissed me off but the music.... the music!!! Dreamy, trippy stuff. The lead guy is an ornithologist/musical genius and the band is a bunch of buddhas in my opinion.

3. Joe Pernice (of The Pernice Brothers). This was a book release/music deal at The Tractor. Pernice, while having a wonderful musical style and voice, turned out to be a bit of an ass. He read from his book (so-so) and played a bunch of covers. I didn't get it. When I requested ONE real Pernice Bros. song, he dismissed me as an idiot. Fuck you Joe. My friend Kara accompanied me and she wasn't familiar with this guy or The Pernice brothers. I give her kudos for finding it at least a little interesting. Did not buy a t-shirt or a book. But I did tell the dude selling the book I was a librarian and therefore, do not buy books. Points for me.

4. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. This was a lunchtime show for KEXP supporters at The Triple Door. Went with the horrible boyfriend and felt decadent for drinking Prosecco in the middle of the day. Don't remember the music. It was more about being out midday watching a band and drinking Prosecco with a hot boy.

5. Man Rockwell at The Rendevous. Norm, the lead singer, is a former child who my friend Tessa used to babysit. They're good! I couldn't get in the door because my ID wasn't current (I was 51 people!!! I look way over 21 ok???) so the band and Tessa had to sneak me in the backstage door, adding a little extra excitement to the night. And I got to play some original tunes for Norm, et al on his guitar in the dressing room. Me, me, me!!! So special!

6. Radioshark at Skylark. This was random. I bid on the Strangermart annual fundraiser to be the honorary Mayor of West Seattle. I had originally started out trying to bid for Karaoke with Blake Lewis but couldn't keep up with the bidding... So I took Mayor of West Seattle. Prizes included free mac n' cheese for a year at West 5, two tickets to Arts West, a private party at Mission and a night to book 3 bands of my choice at Skylark. I wanted Curious Mystery (see below) , Man Rockwell and didn't know who else. CM couldn't make it so I was left with just Man Rockwell. The owner booked two other bands for me. Never heard of Radioshark before and don't remember much about them except they let me onstage to perform an original tune I wrote long ago. A fairly simple chord progression so they kept up beautifully. I was a star! For 5 minutes! It was only the second time I had ever performed in public so I was pretty stoked. I have the picture on my facebook to prove it. Dude from Radioshark looks just like Springsteen in the shot so it's double cool.

7. The Curious Mystery at The Crocodile and The Sunset. I followed them around for a while because I was in love with the drummer, Faustine B. Hudson. She is amazing. And now she plays occasionally with The Young Evils who I have never really seen live, but I have seen Troy in his Black Daisy incarnation. Faustine creates some very out there stuff with her percussion. Amazing. And I told her I was a librarian so she always remembers the crazy middle aged librarian who used to stalk her.

8. Part Man Part Horse at Easy Street. These guys suck. The best part of watching them is the lead singer always strips down to his tiny underwear and is all over the stage and all over the audience and he has a nice bod. That's all.

9. Noddy at the Seattle Center Mural theater. A friend and co-librarian, Jared is the lead singer of this sorta screamo band. I can't say it's really my type of music (sorry Jared) but Jared does throw himself into it full force and he's quite talented. My daughter went with me and thought he was "totally hot".... alas he is also gay, dear daughter, but yes.. HOT!!!

10. Gym Class Heroes at Bumbershoot. Oh boy. This one was for the daughter when she would still be seen with me in public. In the giant stadium at Seattle Center. Too many people! Too many teens! Too much noise! I liked this band but not the setting. And nobody was told about my librarianship. Nobody woulda cared. I was not into talking to anyone but my kid anyways. It wasn't that kind of event.

11.Natalie Portman's Shaved Head at the Seattle Center Mural theater. These kids come from The Center School where my daughter now goes to school. They're all grown up now but the connection to Center was a nice touch for the daughter. Not sure why we went to see them. Free KEXP show was something to do that day. Some other rappers opened up the show. Elyse was starting to distance herself from me by then so I had to sit alone on the grass while she sat several feet away from me, not wanting to be seen at a rad show with her godawful MOTHER. These guys were good! Very energetic, cute and unique music. The crowd was crazy for them. They've changed their name now to something stupid. No t-shirts. Elyse got some free posters. I had the name of this band totally wrong in this post previously. It was the drugs.

So that's about it for my forays into the music scene in the Seattle that has such a great music scene. I don't know why I was thinking about posting all of this drivel, just thinking about it the other day because I had a desire to go see New Politics at Neumos next month but then thought better about it since reviews have stated the lead singer often leaves the stage bloodied from his amazing frenetic breakdancing during the show. They're from Copenhagen! I saw them on Kimmel and was blown away but this librarian ain't crazy enough to throw herself into that kind of scene. My neck might get broke for sure.

Watching the Bachelor with Rosie

I am having fun taking the dumb things they say and inserting "Rosie" in for everytime the girls refer to "Brad" or vice versa. I call my show The Bitchelor. Rosie and I are on this "amazing journey" and I'm so excited to be on this "amazing journey" with Rosie. It's true that in the past i have "put up walls" but Rosie is worth letting those walls come down. Rosie, will you accept this rose and not eat it, cause it might make you sick k? Rosie, you are named Rosie, like the Rose. I think that make you a winner!!

Wow

One post in 2007 and two in 2008. That there's some major blogging I got going on. My other blog over at wordpress got shut down because it was causing major depression in the western hemisphere and parts of China. It was just depressing. Now I read coworkers' blogs and they are all chirpy and cheerful and funny and I wonder: why not me? I can do that. So nothing but fun stuff here, buddy. Nosiree I will not blog about my depressing social life, my drastically catastrophic economic situation, my walrus size ass, my cold damp apartment with its black mold, my daughter's adolescent ragings or that guy. The one who I blogged to death over at wordpress. He's gone. Yay! In fact, I have no men problems at all. I have no man. And I am happy with that.

What I will blog about is stuff like my dogs, my job, my friends, my family, my cat and any other good stuff I can come up with. Probably an occasional rant will surface but hey.... that's just unavoidable.