Well Hello!!!

Isn't it amazing what Abilify can do? Just a slight adjustment to the meds and bam! Depression is gone. Sorta. I'm feeling the Abilify love - that's all I can say.

nightcoons

she'd been good for weeks, months. no going out, no .....

and yet, there she sat silently smoking her one cigarette of the night. 11 pm. and a little weed.
pondering the universe, pondering the house and the loud aspects it carried until lights out. cat most vocal, rosie hears butterfly wings. daisy her own siren.

and then she heard it. a small noise yet undeniably close. she remembered the raccoon nest under the house by the kitchen window. right next to the porch. where she was sitting silently smoking her cigarette. and a little weed.

mind races.. calms self. smoke smoke smoke.

Time to get up and go inside. Creaky knees , struggling to stand with this frame that needs some serious oil. or youth. and Then . the hissing. The scrilling warble... and a growl. The raccoon was upon her before she could move...

The Head and The Heart

This week is brought to you by Head Staples. Yep. After venturing out past midnight to walk the dog the other night, as I was walking back up our dimly lit, precariously placed front stairs I lost my balance and fell sideways into the rockery, smashing my head on a large and viciously sharp rock. The amount of blood gushing was unbelievable. After waking the ex and asking "does this look bad?" we decided perhaps a trip to the ER was in order. Thank god for Swedish Medical Center. The best ER I have ever been to. And we've been there a few times over the years. As soon as we walked in the door I was put in a wheelchair and whisked away to an examining room. No gory details but I'll say a lot of shots were injected into the old cranium, a lot of crying and wailing was done by me, and 15 staples closed up the gash. What fun.

The rest of the week has been a nonstop headache, body ache and general need for sleep 24 hours a day. I went to work today for 5 hours but that was about all I could take. It wasn't pretty. I was cornered by a crazy German lady at the computer who couldn't figure out the difference between Comcast, Yahoo and facebook, but was convinced that they were all acting in concert to ruin her life and steal her patents. I actually yelled at her at one point because she was not making sense. At all. Another staff member was trying to encourage her to take the upcoming Internet Basics class at the library down the street. Uh, no please. I am teaching that class! No. I informed the lady that she needed a private tutor. A basic internet class was not going to explain all of her questions. It was pathetic. I was finally dragged away by the assistant manager and told to go home. Other patrons were looking at me asking me just how sick was I today???

Tonight I will put the girl on a nonstop flight to Charlotte NC. On the red eye, no less. Leaving here at 10 pm and arriving there at 6 am. This is the girl who is so full of venom and defiance on most days, but who is now clinging to me begging me not to make her go on this trip alone. She'll be with my sisters, my nieces and my mom. She will be well cared for by really good people. But she doesn't really know any of them except for my mom. It's been years since she's seen them. My warrior girl is now begging "mommy" to please go with her. It kinda breaks my heart. I cry just thinking about putting her on that plane. But I know she will be fine. It will be awkward for her. It will be painful at times for her shy self. But above all I hope it will be a good experience for her. That she will discover some inner strength and learn to be with people who really do love her even if she doesn't believe these mere "strangers" could love her at all. And that she will feel good about doing this trip for my mom's sake. Mom is almost 89 and this could possibly be the last time E. gets to spend quality time with her. Still, I know I will cry when she walks down the ramp to the plane. It's her first solo flight. It feels like the first day of kindergarten times a gazillion. I hope we will all learn how much we appreciate each other by the time she gets back.

Now go baby bird.... fly! And then fly back to me! I'll be here waiting. Always.

Me

Drama High

I've been embroiled in a little drama of my own making on the homefront. No gory details but I must say the 17 year old girl in me has been making a mess of things. Can I blame it on what I'm reading? Can I blame it on E. Lockhart? No. When I read Rats Saw God I began to believe that I was the main character, Steve York. A 17 year old boy. I even e-mailed the author, the supremely cute Rob Thomas (no, not the one in the band), and told him about it. "Middle Aged Librarian Assumes Identity of Steve York"... Rob wrote back that he was pleased. We had a little e-mail back and forth for a few years. Then he went to Hollywood and became a bigtime screenwriter and his Teen fiction career was over.

But I carry on my malady of becoming the characters I read about. Especially disconcerting when I read teen fiction. Maybe that's why I don't read it that much. It's really only the good books that affect me that way. John Cheever's Letters? I was Cheever for weeks. Maybe I should read something with a highly successful and happy protaganist. Hmmmmmm. But The Librarian of Teens recommended Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea. So now what? I'm going to start behaving like a North Korean living in an Orwellian world? Oh jeez.

The drama my 17 year old teen self concocted entails electronic communications. I have been seriously acting like a maniac in e-mails, texts, and facebook messaging. I think I've hurt people's feelings. I think I have used my qwerty keyboard for the bad. I'm considering just throwing it all out. Computers, phones, microwave ovens. I can't handle it. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. But then I turn to blogging because there is just so much in my empty head that I have to get out there!!! And since I only have one reader, I can blog till my fingers are blistered and nobody will be hurt or insulted or called a fucked up hipster. Unless I run across a true fucked up hipster that I need to blog about...

Will try to keep it happy, chirpy and positive, which was my original goal here. So here's a happy thing that happened today. When I arrived at work I was actually GLAD TO BE HERE. I felt like I was coming home. It was an amusing way to start the work day since I usually dread the thought of dealing with the public. I think it's a relief to deal with someone else's problems for a while. Thank you library.

Library Happyness

Today is a good library day. First, the Mayor and City Council have proclaimed today Public Employee Recognition Day in response to the Wisconson union busting that's happening, and to acknowledge what all of us slaves to the public do for our people and communities. It might be just a piece of paper but I like it! I was also visited by my regular patron, an Iraq Occupation (I still refuse to call it a WAR) veteran with some PTSD issues, who proudly told me he had wrestled a gun away from a guy on the bus yesterday and to watch for him on the news tonight! Yay! My very own little vigilante. I have befriended him. We're on a first name basis. I want him on my side. Especially if I ever ride the bus. And lastly, I get to go to Reader's Advisory Training with Nancy Pearl this afternoon. One library training session that is gauranteed to be very entertaining and worthwhile. This is all so nerdy.

What about the drama???? Where is it??? It's coming up soon as the deadline for moving my domicile approaches. I feel like I'm going to be a cloistered nun. And that will be good for me in so many ways. On the other hand, I'm sure the drama will try to take me down. Living with an ex-husband and a sullen teen daughter is probably right up there on that list of major life stressors. There will be blogging.

Tomorrow is the long awaited haircut. I have been threatening to go for the Ramona Flowers do, but something is telling me I might want to reconsider. Maybe just not the pink or blue or green part.

Keepin it PC

Despite my earlier posts which were heading into the murky depths of my twisted mind, I remain resolute in my mission to remain happy and chirpy. Not dark and sex crazed. I went swimming over the weekend and had an excellent workout. Read into that whatever you like.

Reading E. Lockhart's latest and I must say I am enjoying it. Because I am nothing if not totally emotionally stunted. I have the mind of a 17 year old girl. And the body of someone in desperate need of probiotics.